Judge a man by his treatment of animals!

Some Of My Fave Quotes

 The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -- Golda Meir

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

I worship the ground that awaits you.

I wish you were a beer.

Love means telling you why you're sorry.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West

It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Thomas Jones

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. -- Abba Eban

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

Power means not having to respond.

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

The future isn't what it used to be.

You got to be careful if you dont know where your'e going, because you might not get there. -- Yogi Berra

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. -- Martin Fraquhar Tupper

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. -- Aristotle Onassis

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. -- Plato

Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen


Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken


A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines


After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke


How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees


I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler


Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade


An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle


If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet


Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah


Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley


Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary


The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort


The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright


He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed


He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin


I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.


Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen


May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer


When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.


The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill


Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.


How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow


Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless


Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”