Diet Sayings
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A balanced diet is two hands in the honey pot
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
If we are what we eat, I'm Easy, Fast, and Cheap!
Brain cells come and brain cells go...but fat cells last forever.
Broken cookies...have no calories..!!
By the time I'm thin, fat will be in.
Dieting is the penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Dieting is wishful shrinking...!!
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Everything tastes good when you're on a diet.
Ewes not fat....ewes fluffy !!
God must have loved calories....he made so many of them !!
Hey, I'm not fat! I'm just a nutritional overachiever.
How can I go on a diet? The fridge is still full !
How to lose weight....eat stuff you hate !!
I am built for comfort, not speed.
~~~
I don't have an eating problem.
I eat....I get fat.
I buy new clothes.
No Problem !
~~~
I just ate my will power!
I keep trying to lose weight...but it keeps finding me!
It'll never find me this time !!
~~~
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can diet !
~~~
I was cut out to be thin...
But God sewed me up wrong !
~~~
I'd give up chocolate... but I'm not a quitter !!
~~~
If you gain five pounds....it's water.
If you lose five pounds....it's weight.
~~~
I'm not fat....I'm fluffy !!
If stress burned calories...I would be a size 3 !!
I'm not overweight...I'm under tall !!
I'm on the 30 day diet....so far I've lost 12 days.
~~~
I've been on a diet for two weeks.
So far ... I've all I've lost is fourteen days !
~~~
Let's go on a starvation diet...no chocolate for 24 hours.
Lord...if I can't be skinny...Please make all my friends fat !!!
~~~
Milk does the body good,
but DAMN....
How much did you drink ?!?
~~~
Most people eat to live....I live to eat !
~~~
My new diet goal:
to weigh what my drivers license says.
~~~
Never eat more than you can lift.
No diet is impossible....hopeless maybe....but not impossible !
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
~~~
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy
can make a woman gain five pounds.
~~~
One should eat to live, not live to eat !!
Sad fact....square meals make round people !!
~~~
Some do Richard Simmons,
some do Jane Fonda,
I do Sara Lee !!
~~~
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Taste makes waist !
~~~
The two biggest sellers in any bookstore
are the cookbooks and the diet books.
The cookbooks tell you how to
prepare the food and the
diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.
~~~
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
Those who indulge.....bulge !!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
~~~
Wake me up when I am a size 5!!!
~~~
We have more food to eat than any other
people in the world,
and more diets to keep us from eating it.
~~~
Kitchen Sayings
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
~~~
I do my part to keep the planet green;
just look in my refrigerator.
~~~
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen,
and this kitchen is delirious !
~~~
A messy kitchen is a sign of a good meal.
~~~
A Pinch of this...a dash of that...
~~~
EMERGENCY NUMBERS
Pizza 555-121-1212
Chinese 555-121-1212
Deli 555-121-1212
Grandma 555-121-1212
~~~
God blesses this kitchen but He doesn't clean it....!!
~~~
I know that birds have little birds,
and fish have little fishes.
Then why don't sinks have little sinks,
instead of dirty dishes..???
~~~
I like hugs and I like kisses,
But what I'd love...is help with the dishes !!
~~~
If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans,
this world would be one heck of a kitchen !!
~~~
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen !
~~~
If you want breakfast in bed....sleep in the kitchen !
~~~
If yur lookin...for home cookin'....go home !
~~~
Keep this Kitchen clean.....Eat out !!
~~~
Kitchen Closed...Not in the Mood...
~~~
Kitchen closed Sundays...
~~~
Kitchen Closed: this chick's had it!
~~~
Lord...bless this kitchen...and those who labor in it...
~~~
Lord,
Warm all the kitchen with thy Love,
And light it with Thy peace.
Forgive me all my worry,
and make my grumbling cease.
~~~
Love bakes good cakes
And brews good stews.
~~~
Make yourself at home....Clean my Kitchen !!
~~~
Mealtime: when the kids sit down to continue eating.
~~~
Mom only works in the kitchen on days that end in "Y"
~~~
Mom's Cafe...Open 24 hours !
~~~
My next house will have not kitchen...
just vending machines.
~~~
No matter where I serve my guests....
they seem to like my kitchen the best...
~~~
Only cowards cook on low !!
~~~
Save water....don't do dishes !!
~~~
Sit...Give Thanks...Eat...Praise the Cook...
~~~
Sit....Relax....Gossip !
~~~
Thank God for dirty dishes;
they have a tale to tell;
while others may go hungry,
we're eating very well.
~~~
The Meals Complete...when the Kitchen's Neat !!
~~~
This is my kitchen and I will do as I darn well please !
~~~
This kitchen serves the four basic food groups:
1. chocolate fudge
2. chocolate brownies
3. chocolate ice cream
4. diet cola
~~~
Thousands of people have eaten in my kitchen
and gone on to lead normal lives.
~~~
Two choices for Dinner Tonite...take it OR leave it !
~~~
Welcome to my Kitchen...
Now...Get Out !!!
~~~
Welcome to my Kitchen
Operating Hours:
Monday -- closed
Tuesday -- no service
Wednesday -- half day
Thursday --out shopping
Friday -- day off
Saturday -- eat out
Sunday -- day of rest
~~~
You can eat off my kitchen floor.
There are crumbs everywhere !
Ageing Sayings
Age before beauty.
~~~
Age does not determine who's right,
it only determines who's left!
~~~
Age is a matter of mind
and if you don't mind
it don't matter !!
~~
Age is a number, old is in your head.
Age is a number, and mine is unlisted.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
~~~
Age is like fine wine....
it gets better with time !!
~~~
Age isn't important unless you're cheese.
As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.
~~~
At my age...
I've got achy, breaky everything !!
~~~
At my age...
I've seen it all...I've heard it all...
I've done it all....
I just can't remember it all...
~~~
Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
but beautiful old people
are works of art.
~~~
Better to have bad breath than no breath at all !!
Born in the USA.....a long time ago !!
~~~
By the time you reach middle age,
you've already met so many people
that every new acquaintance reminds
you of someone else.
~~~
Classic, Genuine, Antique Person...
They just don't make 'em like this anymore!!
~~~
Count your life by smiles, not tears.
Count your age by friends, not years.
~~~
Do not regret growing old....it is a privilege denied
many...!
Don't let an old person crawl into your body !
Enjoy getting older, the alternative is death ~!~
Ever stop to think...And forget to start again?
Few people know how to be old.
50 is the age of discovery....you discover you're old!!!
~~~
50 year old--one owner
Needs parts, make offer
~~~
50 !!!!
That's dead in dog years !!
~~~
First, I was a good BOY,
Then, I became a nice KID,
I was then a great GUY,
Later, I grew up to be a fine MAN,
Now, I'm just an old FART !!
~~~
Forty is the old age of youth;
Fifty is the youth of old age.
(Victor Hugo)
~~~
Forty isn't old...
IF you're a tree !!
~~~
Fifty is Nifty !!!
~~~
Geezer......formerly known as "Stud Muffin"...
~~~
Growing old is mandatory...
Growing up is optional !
~~~
How am I feeling?
I'm still on the right side of the grass.
( this was sent in by a visitor to this site who heard
this from a 60+ year old friend who had been ill )
~~~
I am not young enough to know everything !!!
~~~
NEW !!
I am old enough to sleep by myself
and young enough not to want to have to.
~~~
I have a photographic memory.
Unfortunately, it no longer offers
same day service.
~~~
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back...
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
~~~
If life begins at 40....
What ended at 39 ???
~~~
I'm entering the "metallic years"...
silver in my hair, gold in my teeth
and lead in my bottom !!
~~~
I'm just a 16 year old girl,
locked in an old ladies body !
~~~
I'm not 40....
I'm 18 with 22 years of experience !
~~~
I'm not aging, I just need repotted.
I'm not aging....I'm marinating !!
I'm not as old as I used to be.
I'm not getting older, I'm getting bitter.
I'm not old....I'm a recycled teenager !!
I'm not old...I've just been young a very long time !!
I'm 39 1/2...(and that's my final answer !)
~~~
Inside every older person
is a young person
wondering what the hell happened !
~~~
It used to be wine, women and song...
now it's beer, the old lady and TV !!
~~~
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser...
~~~
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
~~~
I've got a good memory....but it's short !!
~~~
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
~~~
Middle age is when the kids leave one by one...
only to return...two by two!!
~~~
Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber.....not the toy !!!
~~~
Middle age is when your narrow waist
and broad mind begin changing places.
~~~
My mind wanders a lot but fortunately it's too weak to go
very far.
Of all the things I've lost...I miss my mind the most !
~~~
Old Age and Treachery
Beat Youth and Vigor.
~~~
Old age comes at a bad time.
~~~
Old age is NOT for sissy's !!
(Art Linkletter)
~~~
Once you're over the hill....you pick up speed !
~~~
Over 40 and still cookin'...!!
Over the Hill...pickin' up up speed !!
~~~
Please understand that no matter how old I get...
I will always be a kid at heart...
~~~
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it !!
~~~
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to
forget the people I never liked anyway...
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do...
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~
Sex after 60
is like shooting pool with a rope.
~~~
Some people, not matter how old they get,
never lose their beauty...
they merely move it from their faces
to their hearts.
~~~
The best part about waking up
is finding your teeth
are still in the cup!
~~~
The hardest part of growing older
is remembering when you were young.
~~~
The heart is the real fountain of youth.
The heart that gives love....is always young !!
The older I get, the better I used to be.
The older I get, the better I was.
~~~
The surprising thing about young fools
is how many survive to become old fools !
~~~
To be 70 years young is sometimes for more
cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)
~~~
We are always the same age inside.
(Gertrude Stein)
~~~
We do not stop laughing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop laughing.
~~~
We don't have crow's feet....
We have laugh lines !!
~~~
We turn not older with years,
but newer every day.
(Emily Dickinson)
~~~
We're all getting older at the same rate of speed.
We just got started at different times.
~~~
When did my wild oats....turn into shredded wheat??
When you stop to think, don't stay parked !!
Why should I grow up??....this is more fun !!
~~~
Wrinkled was not one of the things
I wanted to be
when I grew up !!
~~~
Wrinkles are antique smiles...!
~~~
You can only be young once
but you can be immature forever !!
~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything hurts and what doesn't hurt
doesn't work...!
~~~
You know you are getting old when...
"Happy Hour" turns out to be a nap !!
~~~
You know you're getting old when it takes you all night,
to do what you used to do all night !!
~~~
You know you're getting old
when you sink your teeth into an apple
and they stay there..!!
~~~
You know you're getting old....
when your back goes out more often than you do !!!
~~~
You know you're old when you can't get your rocking chair
started..!
~~~
You know you are getting old
when it feels like the morning after
and you haven't been anywhere.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you look forward to a DULL evening.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when the best part of the day
is over when the alarm goes off.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when the little old gray-haired lady you
helped across the street is your wife.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you get winded playing chess.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you go into the next room
to get something, and
can't remember what you came for.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you have too much room in the house
and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you know all the right answers but
no one asks the right questions.
~~~
You know you are getting old when you
look into the mirror and are shocked to
see that "old person"
looking back at you.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when the gleam in your eyes is from the
sun hitting your bifocals.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you move your bed closer to the bathroom
because you spend half your night there anyway.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you relate to everything on this page.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you remember when
Queen Elizabeth was a Princess.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when you tend to repeat yourself...
tend to repeat yourself.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when your children begin to look middle-aged.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when your friends don't ask how you fell
but where you hurt.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when your pacemaker opens the garage door
when you see a pretty girl.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when your knees buckle and your belt won't.
~~~
You know you are getting old
when your little black book contains
only names ending in M.D.
~~~
You know you are old when your
doctor is the same age as your grandson.
~~~
You know your old when your
youngest starts collecting Social Security !!
~~~
You know you're gettin' old when
you're not as good as you once was but....
your as good once...as you once was.
~~~
You know you are growing old
when you find yourself
laughing at this list !!
~~~
You know you are old when
your doctor look like
Doogie Howser.
~~~
You may not be able to turn back the clock,
but you can wind it up again !
~~~
Young at heart,
slightly older in other places !!
~~~
You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
~~~
You're never too old to enjoy your childhood.
~~~
You're not old...you're chronologically gifted...!!
~~~
You're only young once but you can be immature forever !!
~~~
Youth is a gift of nature.
Middle Age is a work of art !!
~~~
Youth is wasted on the YOUNG !!
One Liners
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come
sit next to me
Mind intentionally left blank...
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time -
I think I've forgotten this before.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why
practice?
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate
open.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails.
With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17
times.
Born Free........Taxed to Death.
We will now upgrade your brain, please
wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO
BRAIN found
I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is
sms gossip.
Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and
mental illness.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what
she's reading.
Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right
now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving
now...
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me
back the key.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross
the river.
Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both
sides.
I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie
up for the night?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your
failures.
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved
through suitable application of high explosives.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy
is stupid.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't
spoil me.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual
arousal in women.
I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid
enough to worry.
Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to
open your mouth and prove it.
Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a
smarty.
What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him,
he ain't gonna come.
Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE
NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father:
'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'
