MEN!
What's the difference
between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the crap out of you.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into
commitment?
A mental hospital.
What do you do with a headache?
You DUMP him!
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who
end up playing with them.
Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
What should you do if you see your ex rolling around in pain
on the ground?
Shoot him again.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the
noose.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a
man's penis?
His body
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practising to be men.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around
him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him
brag about the
screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent
man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make
90% of their
decisions.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Women are born with something Men will never possess:
a CLUE!
~~~
MEN!
They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!
~~~
The Evolution Of Man:
1. Tadpole
2. Frog
3. Prince Charming
4. Royal Pain
~~~
If they can send a man to the moon,
Why can't they send them ALL???
They say it's a MAN'S world...
So THAT'S what's wrong with it!!!
MEN don't TRY to drive women crazy, it just comes NATURALLY
So Many Men, So Little Aspirin!
WHY do men think they don't need directions when they can't
even find their clean socks?
~~~
FACTS on Men
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and
heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome
but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome
but are nice men with money
think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice
and somewhat heterosexual
don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful,
that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money
and are heterosexual are shy and...
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
~~~
If Men Ruled The World
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to 'I love you.'
Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?'
cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
screen during half time.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
'Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night'would be
an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the 'public
ugliness' ordinance.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get 'beer biceps.'
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only
occur in leap years.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
conversation.
Thank god men don't rule the world eh!
~~~
One Liners About Men
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in
diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out on you? Shut
the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to
put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be
out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature
anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so
that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they
are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for
directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell
him chequebooks.
~~~
Q. What should you do if
you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the
ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of
a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to
him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're
born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then
tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to
wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man
wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A : Gifted.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.
Q: What's the difference between men an government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the ones left are
handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a
fish.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
Q:What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A: A man's undivided attention.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches
you'll get,
and how long it'll stay.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
~~~
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk
more than men.
He showed her a study that reported that men use an average
of 15,000 words a day, but women use 30,000 words a day.
The wife promply told him that women use twice as many words
because they have to repeat everything they say to men.
Looking stunned, the husband said, "What?"
"Women use twice as many words because they have to repeat
everything they say to men!"
~~~
Starts of nice.....
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
~~~
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's
empty and so is your head.
~~~
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
~~~
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
~~~
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
~~~
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
~~~
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
~~~
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
~~~
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
~~~
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
~~~
30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
~~~
A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A
WOMAN EVER ASKS...
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,
we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from
all the
bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior.
We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think
that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met
you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not
getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory
deal. Women
take one quick look and memorize it for later reference.
Since men lack
this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring
as much as we
can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make
him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just
an added
bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our
partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time
you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy
it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so
much of the
world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to
understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we
feel when
we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some
extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot,
we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I
try to figure
out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We
oblige you
as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can
stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go
roam... Starve
in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our
asses for
hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by
evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without
getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit
in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The
more successful
hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The
fidgety types
were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end
result is that
almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be
self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you.
Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to
one's own
character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's
a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite
well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single
one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that
you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other
things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our
way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not,
it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for
extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just
want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours
and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...
buying?
~~~
To Women Everywhere From A Man That's
Had Enough!
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think
of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle
hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious
hints don't work. Just say it!
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
sometimes.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just
not worth the hassle.
What the hell is a doily?
What men really mean!
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
it will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."
WOMEN!
Dictionary For Arguing With Women
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are
right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should
shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to
have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an
even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the
result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a
"Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very
frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a
complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a
bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you
that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do
not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what
the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she
has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to
come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get
yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get
a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just
say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
Dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she
is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This
signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what
is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
~~~
T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN
And your point is...?
Please don't make me kill you.
I am out of estrogen, and I have a gun.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
Next mood swing...6 minutes.
~~~
Pregnancy Q&A
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband
wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got
pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without
onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while breast feeding?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy!
~~~
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home"
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." I bet you've all heard some of
these before. I know I have!
25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
~~~
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her
husband or
Boyfriend along shopping .
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
And your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
Antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
Our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
Feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
Told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
He began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
Mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
The "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look"
Using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
Assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
Again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
While; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
